all the conversations...

Below is a post I had the opportunity to write for Treasured Girlz

In life, some conversations are easy & light while others are hard & awkward.  With our daughters, it’s exactly the same way.  The one thing that I have learned throughout the last twelve years since I became a mom is that when the conversations start heading towards the hard & awkward end of the spectrum, we can not do it alone.  The other thing that I have learned, which may seem very obvious to you but I think it’s worth mentioning, is that the conversations don’t start off hard so we have lots of time to prepare!  Thank goodness 😉

There are so many wonderful trained professionals, speakers, authors and podcasters that we are able to go to for those very specific tips and steps to take when it comes to talking to our girls about sex, puberty, friendships, technology, etc…And our circle of friends and community are also an incredible resource for sharing experiences, tips, feedback and failures.
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I am a real information seeker and I am the type of mom who likes to get ahead of the current phase we are in so that I am prepared before for the next thing comes along.  I also have friends that tend to bury their head in the sand and prefer to ignore hard topics until they are hitting them in the face because they themselves are uncomfortable or don’t want to admit it’s time to address some tough stuff. There are definitely pros and cons to both of those strategies.  Ultimately, you need to do what works best for you & your family.

I would never claim to be a parenting expert; I am a mom who is right in the middle of raising pre-teen girls so I’m in this with you. I’ve gotten a lot of the conversations right and a lot of them I wanted a do over the moment the words came out of my mouth. Let’s just say my first attempt at the birds & bees talk with my daughters ended with them telling my husband James that I lay eggs…What?? Something got lost in translation…and I was likely fumbling around my words feeling like I had to give them all the information at once and by their response it was obviously way over their sweet little heads!

There’s some work we need to do as moms (and dads) to get ready for those conversations and moments in addition to reading books and listening to podcasts.  We need to create a family dynamic that allows for those conversations to happen whether light or heavy.    

Here are a few things that I have found very helpful.

• Know your Family Values First – Regardless of the topic, if you have established the foundation of your family and what values you hold dear, you can push topics up against that when you’re struggling to determine what guardrails to put into place or how you’ll address it. 

 

• You Do You – Don’t worry about what your best friend, neighbor or favorite blogger said is the right time to talk to your daughter about a major topic.  Your daughter may be ready earlier or later than theirs so just do what’s right for her (and you!). 

 

• Build that Relationship – As we all know, we are much more willing to open up, ask questions and share hard stuff with people who we have spent time building a relationship.  We’ve poured into them and they’ve poured into us, the same is true for our daughters.  All the time you spend with them talking, laughing, playing and going on adventures will make those conversations a little easier because of how well you know each other.  I know, sounds pretty basic but often times in the busyness of life we may forget to simply build a relationship with our daughter first.

 

• Make Home a Place to Breathe – School, sports, dance, band, friendships/social dynamics…everything can be a real pressure cooker for our girls these days so let’s make our home a place where they can feel comfortable, relaxed and where they can let down their guard & be vulnerable.  Love, grace, acceptance, support & guidance is what they need from us no matter what is happening out in the world.    

 

• Just Listen - Sometimes our girls just want to talk and share what’s going on in their lives big and small.  Just listen, it doesn’t always require action just eye contact without distraction for a few minutes. 

 

• Don’t Put Your Issues on Her - Be aware of your own “issues” and don’t put those on your daughter.  This is a tough one and I am completely guilty of it.  It could be acceptance, body image, academics, anxiety, fear, etc…Your sensitivity to something and focus on it with your daughter could turn a non-issue into an issue, so be careful.  At first it may feel like you are protecting her or saving her from something hard, but what it may actually be doing is creating in her a focus on an issue she did not have on her own. 

 

• Be Honest - It’s ok not to know the answer to everything right away. Try saying something like “That’s a great question, let me pray/think about it and I’ll get back to you.”  They’ll appreciate your vulnerability and it will give you time to come back with an answer you’re comfortable with.

Practical tips and advice on parenting are amazing but like with any other situation in life, we must first go to the Lord in prayer to seek guidance and to the Bible to seek truth. 

In Matthew 11:28-30 Jesus said, “Come to me, all you who are weary and burdened, and I will give you rest.  Take my yoke upon you and learn from me, for I am gentle and humble in heart and you will find rest for your souls.  For my yoke is easy and my burden is light.” 

Remember, we’re not in this parenting thing alone, we have God by our side!  Being a mom is an amazing blessing and brings so much joy while at the same time can make us weary and burdened.  When those feelings come, whether just from the day to day hustle and juggling act or from the weight of all we feel like we need to impart to our girls through ALL the conversations, keep in mind that He’s got them and has an incredible plan for their lives.  Keep pointing them back to Jesus and keep your eyes fixed on Jesus as well and He will give you rest.